Part 2 - Communication Skills

Chapter 29 - HOW TO ARGUE CONSTRUCTIVELY (3)

Rules for creative arguing (continued)

6 Negotiate a combined, creative solution

Fights start when your partner has done something 'wrong' and you ask her or him to do it 'right'. To fight 'creatively', follow this seven-step pattern of arguing and negotiating a settlement.

Step 1: Explain the topic-what you want changed

Elisa asked Stefan to change his way of putting away the kitchen things.

Step 2: Explore-why do you want the change?

There was an underlying reason why Elisa wanted Stefan to change his behaviour-it was an effort for her to search.

Step 3: Explore- why does your partner want to do it his or her way?

There was an underlying reason why Stefan did it his way- it was an effort for him to remember where things go.

Step 4: Put the reasons together-what is the basic difference between you?

When they put their reasons together, Elisa and Stefan understood the problem. It arose from the basic difference between them: for Elisa searching is effort and for Stefan remembering is effort. (If Stefan agreed to do it Elisa's way, the problem would roll off Elisa and onto Stefan. It wouldn't solve it.)