Carmela came home from school one day looking angry and miserable. 'The teacher was horrible to me today', she announced.
Mother asked, 'What did you do?'
Carmela burst into tears, 'You always take the other side!'
Mother was shocked. She wasn't taking the other side, she simply wanted to find out what had happened.
What had Mother done wrong? She knew her daughter felt miserable, Carinela's body language showed that. Mother's answer skipped the vital first step of letting Carmela know that she understood. Mother went straight to her reply and Carmela thought she was siding with the opposition! An understanding response was skipped and misunderstanding resulted.
An effective answer has two main parts:
Begin your answer with an understanding response. It says 'I care about what you're telling me-I'm really listening'. It's not enough to care, you must let the speaker know you care. Your first words, your response, are what let the speaker know. Responsive communication is the vital link.
Responsive communication connects with the speaker's point of view, feelings and information. It comes first. Then the listener gives his or her point of view. I call this 'S-hooking'.
Whether it's a friendly conversation, a hot discussion or an outright fight, start by S-hooking. The more you differ, the more important it is to show by your S-hook that you respect the other person's view. Recognising the view does not mean you agree with it! It means you respect others' opinions as much as your own.
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